Category Archives: Not So Gentle Sarcasm

I don’t want to…

My oldest daughter, 5, has decided that she doesn’t want things anymore.

I should be thrilled. “She doesn’t want things?” I should cry from the rooftops (with safe, functioning balconies), “listen everyone! I have a daughter who doesn’t want things!”

Included in the short list of things my daughter doesn’t want are: breakfast, lunch, dinner, to go to the bathroom and to go to bed. Aside from her “furious five”, she’s golden.

So I wonder, being a wondering man who certainly takes plenty of time making and deciding upon decisions, should I be supportive of my daughter and her pursuit of not wanting, nay, requiring basics like food, toilets and sleep, or should I choose to be that “overbearing” parent who thinks of these things as daily necessities and uphold their sacredness?

I humbly invite you to let me know what you think, bloggers. If not you, then whom?

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Green Eggs + Green Ham = Green Poo!

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Among the many different things I remember looking forward to with our new baby were things like new baby smell (it’s intoxicating… there’s nothing like it) and hospital ice (what? you’ve never tried it? well, go get injured or sick or something & go to the hospital and try some).

Honestly, though, to pinpoint the one thing I was looking forward to the most… well… it’s a bit awkward, a bit weird, and (most of all) quite disgusting. In fact, you may want to set down anything that you’re eating or change to a different blog if you’re one of those people with wimpy stomachs.

I, (yes, me) Andrew Plait of Southern Alberta, was especially looking forward to green poo.

Let me write that again, a little slower for the people who weren’t sure what they read: G – R – E – E – N – P – O – O.

Green poo is, without a doubt, the best part of the entire parenting experience. Never mind the crying or discontent from the baby (actually, there’s usually one of three things to do when a baby cries, but that’s another post on its own) – green poo is to die for.

Why this fascination with feces? Well, I’ll tell you.

In my un-medical slang experience, a new baby dispenses green slime from his/her bottom within the first few hours of it being alive. You see it once, twice if you’re lucky, and then it disappears forever (unless your baby has a health problem or is from outer space or subsists on a formula/breastmilk/spinach diet).

The stuff is tougher than the strongest epoxy and extremely rare. In fact, I snapped a pic of it while we were in the hospital (but had the decency not to post that sort of thing on the Internet… just yet).

That’s why I’m a fan of green poo. Look for the collectible T-shirts coming out later this summer. We’ll start a poo-volution! Who’s with me?

photo credit: nateOne via photopin cc

Less than 9 hours to go…

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Well, folks, we’re coming down to the wire. After much waiting, we finally got the call… the call that changes lives.

It wasn’t a great call, really. Sure, we know when to come to the hospital so they can do the procedure, but who really wants to check into the hospital at 6:15 in the morning?

It’s not like we’re taking a flight to Australia here (love the accent, btw). There’s no baggage check, no double-booking Caesareans with the same doctor in case one of the mothers decides to take a later surgery… so why the heck do we need to be there just after six?

Few people get up at six. The grocery store doesn’t open until eight. The pharmacy doesn’t open ’til nine. Even the garbage truck operator who lives across the way gets to sleep in.

Maybe it’s just me. Maybe I like my shut-eye to last ’til 7 or 7:30. Maybe I’m pre-cranky because I know no one will be getting much sleep in this house for the next 18 years (if we’re lucky).

I tell ya, there’s no bottle of warm milk big enough to cure my attitude about needing to get to the hospital so early, so hospital staff, obstetricians, everyone – thank you in advance for the kind, gentle manner in which you’ll treat my loving wife of eight years. Thank you in advance for the excellent job you’ll do. Please return her and our baby safe and sound to me after you’re finished. God bless.

photo credit: brunoccunha via photopin cc