Category Archives: Humor

Adventures in eating, doctors and insurance – oh my!

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4 times. 4 fingers. I can count on one hand the number of times our family has eaten out in the past 12 days. It’s safe to say that our family hasn’t eaten out this much in… well, ever!

Call me stingy (stingy!), call me thrifty (stingy!), but I believe that we should be saving our money for important things. Things like a new computer (you call that important?!) or hooking up the barbeque (now you’re just being selfish) or a fantastic treatment package from Merle Norman for my wife (oh, honey! I love you!)… probably not the last one, though (hey!).

In the past twelve days we’ve covered a gamut of eating experiences from Mickie D’s to a mongolian grill to fish & chips to thai & sushi. My wallet has never felt so light, my credit card so laden with debt.

This morning we’re going for the twelfth day check-up for our newborn. Fun and games, ladies and gents, fun and games. I’m looking forward to it so much I think I’ll take an extra chewable vitamin just for good measure.

I received word from our insurance agent yesterday that our new addition will be added to our existing coverage / policy / somethingorother on Tuesday… 15 days after being born. Does that strike anyone else as odd? I realize that I haven’t died yet and therefore can’t figure out how the whole insurance game works, but it seems to me that you’d want to have existing insurance coverage from day one. Oh, how wonderful it is to be me.

Well, it’s a good morning. Baby is eating, my wife is getting dressed, my middle child is teaching MarioKart who’s boss and my mother is blowdrying her hair 4 feet away from me. Call me old-fashioned (sting… sorry… old-fashioned!), but I’m just not used to having this many people in the house. Could it be a sign that we need a bigger place? (no, it’s just a sign that you need to upgrade the plug by the bathroom sink, Mr. S)

Well, here’s to your Friday, everyone. Enjoy!

Andrew photo credit: drurydrama (Len Radin) via photopin cc

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I don’t want to…

My oldest daughter, 5, has decided that she doesn’t want things anymore.

I should be thrilled. “She doesn’t want things?” I should cry from the rooftops (with safe, functioning balconies), “listen everyone! I have a daughter who doesn’t want things!”

Included in the short list of things my daughter doesn’t want are: breakfast, lunch, dinner, to go to the bathroom and to go to bed. Aside from her “furious five”, she’s golden.

So I wonder, being a wondering man who certainly takes plenty of time making and deciding upon decisions, should I be supportive of my daughter and her pursuit of not wanting, nay, requiring basics like food, toilets and sleep, or should I choose to be that “overbearing” parent who thinks of these things as daily necessities and uphold their sacredness?

I humbly invite you to let me know what you think, bloggers. If not you, then whom?

Might as well get my own dress…

 

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At this very moment, I’m surrounded by seven beautiful women (technically four women and three girls). One is on her way to school, one is crying to be fed, two are still in bed and the rest are in various stages of getting up.

 

I’m the only male in the entire house. I might be the only male still at home on the entire block. Might as well get my own dress.

 

I’ve read somewhere that we absorb hormones emitted by others. Whether or not that’s true is for the scientists to decide, but there’s a mighty large amount of estrogen in this household – no wonder my guy friends are grabbing me for short getaways and asking if I’m okay (no man asks another man if he’s okay).

 

 

It’s nice, though. I spent most of this morning (all 59 wonderful minutes of it) getting my oldest daughter breakfast and watching as she looked for the tooth she placed under her pillow, discovering instead a marshmallow and a loonie (if you’re not from Canada, a loonie is equivalent to $1). We just finished waving to one another as her bus took off. *sigh*

 

Last night my mother-in-law cooked curry with roti. Curry with roti – yums. I haven’t had to do a dish in over a week! How awesome is that! Can I get a high five or a hallelujah?

 

I’m also grateful that everyone’s in a good mood. We have a small house and there are very limited places to run to in case people aren’t “feeling pleasant”.

I can’t think of a creative closing sentence, so I hope you enjoy your day!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

photo credit: Bert Kaufmann via photopin cc

 

 

Green Eggs + Green Ham = Green Poo!

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Among the many different things I remember looking forward to with our new baby were things like new baby smell (it’s intoxicating… there’s nothing like it) and hospital ice (what? you’ve never tried it? well, go get injured or sick or something & go to the hospital and try some).

Honestly, though, to pinpoint the one thing I was looking forward to the most… well… it’s a bit awkward, a bit weird, and (most of all) quite disgusting. In fact, you may want to set down anything that you’re eating or change to a different blog if you’re one of those people with wimpy stomachs.

I, (yes, me) Andrew Plait of Southern Alberta, was especially looking forward to green poo.

Let me write that again, a little slower for the people who weren’t sure what they read: G – R – E – E – N – P – O – O.

Green poo is, without a doubt, the best part of the entire parenting experience. Never mind the crying or discontent from the baby (actually, there’s usually one of three things to do when a baby cries, but that’s another post on its own) – green poo is to die for.

Why this fascination with feces? Well, I’ll tell you.

In my un-medical slang experience, a new baby dispenses green slime from his/her bottom within the first few hours of it being alive. You see it once, twice if you’re lucky, and then it disappears forever (unless your baby has a health problem or is from outer space or subsists on a formula/breastmilk/spinach diet).

The stuff is tougher than the strongest epoxy and extremely rare. In fact, I snapped a pic of it while we were in the hospital (but had the decency not to post that sort of thing on the Internet… just yet).

That’s why I’m a fan of green poo. Look for the collectible T-shirts coming out later this summer. We’ll start a poo-volution! Who’s with me?

photo credit: nateOne via photopin cc

Home sweet home!

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We made it! After nearly four and a half days at the hospital, we’re finally back at home and good to go.

See, after a woman has a C-section, there are a couple things that the doctors and nurses are looking for. Is she healing, can she walk, can she go to the bathroom, etc. Once the patient meets these criteria, they can be discharged. They look for things with the baby as well, like whether the baby is gaining weight, pooping, peeing, etc.

Now, most people probably take potty breaks for granted, but I’m thinking that victims of vasectomies don’t really feel like using the restroom either (not that there’s any good comparison between giving birth and having your soldiers grounded).

Anyway, we waited until early afternoon before the doctor on call finally walked in, gave our baby the once over and said we could go. I could hear the hallelujah chorus ringing. I packed our van so fast you’d think I was pulling an emergency move-out.

When Dorothy said, “There’s no place like home,” she wasn’t fooling around. Not only is home where the heart is, it’s the sweetest place a person could ever hope to be.

photo credit: Kalexanderson via photopin cc

Don’t argue over cooked soup

medium_262223658Today I left the hospital, picked up some bananas and milk for our girls, then rushed home to grab everyone and shuttle them off to the hospital. When I arrived home my mother-in-law told me she was carrying soup to the hospital to give to my wife.

Now, one of the nurses let me know that Mom had called this morning. One of the biggest no-no’s you can make with your family, at least your partner’s mother, is not to call and update her with activities at the hospital. You’ll want to call and let her know that the baby is well, the mother is well and everything’s going well at the hospital. In fact, and you won’t read me writing this much, I would think this is one time you should actually consider lying! No matter what’s really going on, unless things are looking grim, just tell Mom that everything’s okay, everything’s fine and that she doesn’t need to worry.

My mother-in-law had seven children and six of them are still alive and kicking today. She has lots of life experience with kids, but she doesn’t let us forget that, either. Many times she might say something because she wants to be helpful, but it just sounds like she’s telling everyone they don’t know how to raise a child / family properly!

When I walked in the door and one of the first things out of her mouth was “I’m carrying soup to the hospital for ‘X'”, I reacted very poorly. Men, you may’ve heard a popular saying, “happy wife, happy life”, yes? Well, the same applies to your mother-in-law!

I reacted poorly. I stood on my “hill” and tried to defend (very poorly) a line of reasoning that said her daughter needed to eat the hospital food, not home-cooked food. I lost that battle and had to apologize for my behavior. (“bad, Andrew! down! sit! baaaaaaaaaaaaddddddddd!)

She ended up carrying soup. I ended trying some of the leftovers and remembered just how much I miss her cooking. A man could happily gain 10 pounds in her kitchen over a weekend.

The moral is “don’t argue over cooked soup.” Just shut up and eat (especially if the person who made it knows how to cook)!

photo credit: ilmungo via photopin cc

Time to keep track of stuff

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Part of the purpose behind this blog is to keep track of things that parents, especially fathers, would be interested in. Fathers, you need to know that there are good reasons to take parental leave and not enough of us do. My goal is to take the full parental leave and blog about the things I’ve learned.

Some of the things I’m going to be tracking include changing diapers, doing dishes, doing housework, and a variety and/or mash-up of different things that husbands don’t normally do. You will see from reading this blog the different things I have done and the number of times I’ve done them.

So, now it’s up to you, dear reader. What sort of things are you interested in your husbands knowing, wives? Should they be aware of how often they need to fold the laundry? Do your husbands even know how to do the laundry? Do your husbands help out with anything around house? This is one area I will be playing catch up in for sure.

What about you, manly men? Have you already taken parental leave? Are you an expert on all things children and/or taking care of your children?

I’ve been looking forward to this journey for quite some time, and, now that my daughter is here, I finally know that I can take it. From now until January 14, 2014, I will be keeping track of the different things I’ve done while I’m at home with three kids on parental leave. Thank you for reading – please let me know what you think.